Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Crap No One Needs: Volume 3 (a.k.a Totally Honest Tuesday)

You would think that this would be a prime candidate for, Crap No One Needs, but in actuality, it's the exact opposite. Crap I TOTALLY Need. How I have considered myself a responsible dog owner for the past 4 years? I've been lying to myself, and my dog. Obviously.

And in case my posts of late have yet to convince you that I am indeed the chubby, snarky, stuck in a rut high school teacher and spinster aunt, in need of a change, that you thought I was, let me offer you another example. Crap I Totally Need. As much as it displeases me to admit it, my Great Buns Jeans have become my, Holy Moly Muffin Top Jeans. My Fat Jeans, have become my, Dear Sweet Jesus* Just Allow Me One Last Breath Jeans. I would like to blame this seemingly endless expansion and my ever growing ennui on clumsiness, the economy, and innate characteristics that are beyond my control.

But seriously, it's been 5 months. My knee is fine. I need to get my fat can on the treadmill, start applying for jobs in places I would rather live (regardless of how fruitless the market seems), put my big girl panties(pun semi-intended) on and get on with it. You know, take control over the few things that you can control and quit freaking out about the rest. That sort of thing. But when have you ever known me to do what is rational?

P.S. Please know that, I love you for the intent behind pep talks about, The Power of Positive Thinking. But if you actually suggest this to me, I most certainly will have to physically restrain myself from flicking you in the forehead.

P.P.S. Please don't give me the, "What are you talking about? You look great!" line. Because between the two of us, I've seen me naked. I adore you for your delusion, but a treadmill needs to be involved here.

P.M.S. (because P.P.P.S would be obnoxious and this seemed more appropriate)Please know that if you give me any version of, "I can't believe you still live in that hell hole. What have you been there this long for?" I may not talk to you for a while, because A) get off my back and quit being condescending B) If you're actually reading this, we are probably friends (or friendish). You know what I've been doing. And you know how much it annoys me when people ask questions that they already know the answer to. C) I've tried. Trust me when I say that I've tried...more than once.

I think I need to go get a cupcake and quit with this

* After careful consideration and various conversations with friends much wiser than I, this does not count as taking the Lords name in vain. In this case, it was an honest, sincere, pleading for oxygen. Therefore, totally kosher.


Maursupial said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mindij said...

you are hilarious! I so want to take you out to lunch or something!

PS-have you ever wondered where I came from? I know an Amber who lived in your ward just as you moved in(I think), she moved out but she is friends with Megan, the Primary President who knows you. Amber kept showing me your blog and we kept sharing laughs over it and now I am just here to stay because I'm pretty sure in real life we'd be BFFs.

PPS-I am having a Muffin Top issue myself and every night I go to bed royally pissed off at myself!

L and L and R said...

Oh, let's just be honest here...life can totally SUCK at times! So, revel in your muffin top, stuck-in-Landisaster, spinster aunt world as long as you want! I'll always support you from afar.

Jillian said...

Perhaps a can of Slimfast might be a better plan. Cause I'm not even talking cute little blueberry muffin.....but big ol' Costco muffin. I need an action plan. STAT. This is creating a bit of a problem as far as my pleasant sunny disposition is concerned.....and as we all know, I am nothing with out my sunny disposition.

I actually did wonder but considering my internet sleuthing skills are far beyond the limits that would normally allow you to sleep peacefully at night...I figured out the trail. I just had to get confirmation from Megan. I think she was equal parts impressed, terrified and sad about all the free time I have on my hands.

Mona said...

Oh, I love you.

Sparklebot said...

I, too, am struggling to get my pants to button. So, what did I do? I went to my local fatty store and bought a new pair of fat jeans. Because I didn't have that perfect fit button option.

Melissa said...

Sigh. Being 6 months post-partum, the "but I just had a baby" excuse is starting to wear thin. My muffin top says hi.

Have you tried blaming the clothes drier? That's where I am right now. It's the clothes drier, not the brownies.

The Sayer Family said...

I totally blame the dryer (even though i wash everything in cold and dry it on "air" just so I don't have a worse problem then I already do)I unlike others don't have the "I just had a baby" excuse, nor should I be using the "but I just had shoulder surgery and it's been a hard road back" excuse either, But I do. Eat a cupcake and make a plan for tomorrow. After all why do today what you can put off until tomorrow. move back to Utah. I hear Jene is looking for a roommate and she LOVES dogs! (I would invite you out here with us in Nebraska, but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy)

Jillian said...

That is all part of the master plan...let's all keep out fingers crossed.