Sunday, June 22, 2008

Officially Dumped

I should have seen it coming, but I was completely blindsided. I didn't even really want a personal trainer to begin with, but that didn't take any of the sting out of being dumped by him. Looking back, I may have played a pretty large part in being dumped, but I think my excuses for cancelling were more than reasonable.

"My dog swallowed a corn cob and I have to take him to the vet."

"I have to go to the doctor and get a typhoid shot."

And my personal favorite, which, I believe was the straw that broke the trainers back, "I just got a pedicure."

Monday, with all of my excuses exhausted, I went to the gym and ended up getting "the talk." I got all of the standard dump lines. "I think this is for the best," followed up with, "I'm no good for you," blah blah blah. He swears that he wasn't dumping me. As he put it, he was setting me up with someone who would be better for me.

Basically, I find the entire concept of personal training wildly awkward. It doesn't matter who the trainer is. I am a chubby girl at heart. Always have been, always will be. Being the center of attention is not my cup of tea. The idea of a person just standing around watching and commenting on my workout is horrifying. Fictitious or not, all I can hear is the trainers interior monologue, "Man this chick is a mess. I can't believe she is so out of shape. Does squishy have a mascot?"

Anyhow- The first couple of half hour workouts with Newby weren't that bad. Then came the first of our one hour sessions. Newby knows how I feel about working out, and is aware of my self consciousness whilst at the gym...and yet still he had some ridiculous new ideas that he tried to trot out and see how they would fly.

I really think that he came up with the most humiliating and demoralizing exercises possible, just for kicks and giggles. First thing I had to do was jump rope with the SHORTEST rope in todo el mundo. Newby, while he is cute as a bugs ear, is about 2 inches shorter than I am and fit as a fiddle, so he had no problem demonstrating how this all should go. That made the hunched over, sweaty, uncoordinated, bouncing boob fiasco all the more humiliating.

Then we moved on to crab-walking, followed that up with bear crawls, with push-up's every couple of steps, and the cherry on top of the humiliation sundae was WHEELBARROW'S!!

My interior monologue went a little something like this, "Seriously, does this fool not know how much I weigh? Has he no soul? This is precisely why I nearly got an F in jr high PE. I can remember exactly, to the day, when it was that I last did wheelbarrow races. I was in 3rd grade with Danior Martin and that didn't end well. I have successfully avoided any semblance of such activities since then, and that is by no means of chance. There is no freaking damn way I am doing this."

What this train of thought translated into was me sitting Indian style on the floor of the aerobics room with my arms folded and shaking my head, "Absolutely not. I refuse to do this. With all do respect, you have got to be eff-ing kidding me. Under no circumstance am I doing wheelbarrow's with you. No way."

Yeah-I didn't win that battle and it was every bit as horrible as I thought it would be. If I didn't remember why I stopped going to the gym in the first place...I can kind of remember now.


Mona said...

You have now provided me with one more reason not to hire a personal trainer. My first reason? It's too expensive. But humiliation? I think that may be the topper.

Maursupial said...

Ok. I laughed until I nearly peed myself when you told me this story a couple of days ago, and it's STILL funny. Also, the image of 3rd grade Jillian and Danior Martin is too delicious for words. I LOVE YOU!!

Also, I'm so glad you posted! I've missed your blog!!

Jillian said...

Mona- Tell me about it! Super expensive. Reason number three, the knowledge that I can't even pay a man to stick around...very unsettling.

And to think Maury, that I contemplated not telling you so that it could be a surprise when you read about it!

It wasn't all that delicious, just another reason I don't get very excited about Pioneer Day.

becky said...

I have truly missed you!!Glad you are back!!

Melissa said...

omigosh, when I wasn't irrate on your behalf (HE MADE YOU DO WHAT????), I was laughing my butt off. But, your trainer is right--you need to move on. He is not right for you. You should not blame yourself for the relationship's demise. That dude is straight up crazy. Wheelbarrows and CRAB WALKING???? He's out of his gourd. You're better off without him, Jillian. You can do so much better.

Jamie said...

I agree with Melissa ... The guy is whacked. What happened to the treadmill and some weights? Find yourself a more traditional fella and find out his position on jumprope length BEFORE giving him a dime.... Big boobs & jump ropes do not mesh. I am a Lowe girl.. I know..

Mother Goose said...

I am dying here laughing. you had commented on another blog that I had commented on. I came over because you were disappointed in Breaking Dawn! GASPUH! It was my fave except for the ending! talk about anti-climatic. She builds the scene for 3 chapters and then just drops it! Well DANG!

OK, now back to this post! I love it! I was laughing so hard because I was sympathizing with YOU through every word and it brought back most vividly my own experiences! Can we please be BEST Blogging friends????
Ok, well how bout I just stalk ya for a bit??