Sunday, January 24, 2010

Death by a Thousand Papercuts

I am a well documented non-sleeper. Worse last night than ever, quite possibly. Can't fall asleep. Can't stay asleep. Sleeping is not relaxing for me, it's a chore. A chore that I neither look forward to, nor enjoy. I toss and turn, punch the pillow. I squint my eyes together as hard as I can just in case some rouge ray of light dare sneak through my window a moment too soon. I have the lavender oil burning, the temperature just right, hot bath right before bed, write down what I've got to accomplish the next day, blog in my head* so that I can free my mind. All that jazz.

I even went as far as to get a clock radio that plays various types of white noise while I sleep. Just so you know, this is no half cocked hippie gimmick to make people feel like they are getting back to natural sleep habits. It's "scientifically proven" to aide sleep. I have yet to figure out what the magic combo of relaxation/pharmaceuticals/noise makers is the key to getting a decent nights sleep but I do know exactly how it helps me to wake me up.

Seconds before my alarm goes off, the 'white noise' clicks off. In those few seconds between woooooooosh woooooosh woooooooosh and eeeeeeeeeehhhh eeeeeeeehh eeeeeh. I have the presence of mind to roll over and think, "Oh sh*t, my alarm is about to go off." Yeah- I am not proud but that's the way it is. My good girl Mormon sensibilities won't even allow me type that out without editing it, but that's my go to phrase. Every morning. Then I get to look in the mirror at the train wreck that 8 hours of wrestling for sleep has produced...and let me tell you, it ain't pretty. That can't be a good way to start the day. It's like jumping into a dirty mouth, bad karma cave and trying to climb out with positive thoughts and aphorisms before the blow dryer clicks off. Doesn't work. Well, doesn't really work well.
You people who fall asleep the minute your head hits the pillow? I can't stand you. (Nothing personal, of course, just a lifetime of envy and exhaustion changes a person.) It is probably why the Great and Powerful OZ has not seen fit go grant me a, 'plus one.' Chances are- if he snored, I'd smother him in his sleep.

One thing I have realized. 30 my be the new 20, but 40 is still old....and at this rate.....ugh. I'm too tired to even think about getting there. What's that disease where you age faster than normal? I think I have that. I am the AntiBenjamin Button.


Maursupial said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. and Yes. That experience every morning? A fine time to enact the poopy clause. I do it too. Also: in March I will turn 36 and officially begin the downward spiral into 40. Yeah me!! I have a super duper, non-depressing life!! YEAH!!

Tera said...

Once I called in sick to work because as I told my boss I'd "been up all night". The next day when I went to work she was upset with me and told me that we all have bad nights of sleep and she thought it was a poor excuse to use for not coming to work. I explained that some people say this as an exaggeration but I really and truly and been up the entire night. I might have fallen asleep at 7am. I hate insomnia. I day dream about smothering people who sleep like babies.

mintifresh said...

My husband is one of those fall asleep fast people and I usually want to kick him in the crotch as I wrestle with sleep and my lack of it.

Sparklebot said...

I think the answer to your problem is clear: drugs.

Jillian said...

Maury- I hear sliding is better than maybe it will be fun.

Tera- I am so tired, I read your comment to say, "I dream of smothering babies." I was worried for your children.

Mindi-A swift kick to the junk...the great equalizer.

Oh Sparklebot- we are way past the drugs stage. They are just like popping candy to me now. These are dire times we live in. Dire.

JennAventures said...

you need to get yourself a snugglycat!!