Monday, December 7, 2009

Amazing Grace

I am not sure what upsets me more- 1) That I am not on the next Amazing Race; or that 2) The Fictious Love of My Life appears to be running it with his newly minted millionairess girlfriend, who is not me, by the way.

Let me just say, that I would totally rock the Amazing Race. Yes, I am about to toot my own horn, but it's my blog, and I can toot what I want to. I am awesome at traveling. I am practically a savant when it comes to finding my way around airports, am like freaking Magellan when it comes to public transit, I have no problem climbing things, or throwing my body off of ledges, be they stationary or air born. And who are we kidding, I am built more like a linebacker than a ballerina, but I could do a passable job at activities requiring either skill set.

The only thing that has kept my application out of the Race is that I can't figure out the perfect person with whom I should enter. Keeping in mind that theoretically, I would like to actually have a chance of being competitive, and still both of us should come out the other side of the race physically, and emotionally unharmed. I have thought about this a lot.

Option 1- Two girlfriends- Ehhhhh I am a firm believer that this would be a friendship killer. No. Matter. What. That is not to say that I don't have any friends that I love to travel with, I do. You don't get to be my age and single and not develop good, good girlfriends that will go on wild adventures with you at the drop of a hat! I have been blessed many ways in that regard. But adding competition, and exhaustion to the mix, and knowing how I react based on the few times I have been lost, would be a recipe for disaster. I would just hope that the camera crew would be able to intervene quickly enough, to save my teammate from permanent damage after being choked out and left on the island to die because of one too many screw up's with the map. When in the jungle, jungle rules apply. Only the strong survive. Can't read a map? Weak.

But in the spirit of Karmic retribution, I also have the type of girlfriends who don't bother to mention to the group that we are snorkeling with sharks. My friends just hop back in the boat, smile, wave and take pictures from the safety the watercraft. All the while we are swimming with death at our heals. Just helping Darwin along, right? Nope. Not gunna work out. Fail.

Option 2- Me and a parent. No. Just no.....for various, yet, significant reasons in both regards. I love them both, more than words can say. And in an effort to keep it that way....nope on the parents. Fail.

Option 3- Me and a guy friend. Hmmmmm 1)I can't even think of any guys that I would want to spend that much time with (or I would be dating him). 2) If I have spent sufficient time with him and am not dating him, there is probably a douchey, obnoxious, Ed Hardy-esque quality about him that I would be forced to mock incessantly...and that would only drag our team down and breed negativity. At some point he would muster up the nerve to call me out on being a bee-atch. I would cry, because deep down, I probably have a monumental crush on him. And no one wants that girl on their team. Fail.

Option 4-Me and My sister. Well, due to the fact that I would refuse to be seen on any plane/train/automobile with her and her 'anxiety/nausea bands,' she would most assuredly be barfing most of the race. Tick-tock-tick-don't have time for that. Plus- we would fight a lot. (I have a vague recollection of someone getting their boob bitten in one particularly nasty fight. And another time when mom had to drive to Utah to keep us from killing one another, when all I needed was a ride to work in the snow) Plus-she is knocked up with kid number 4, so she's gonzo. Sorry, Jen. Fail.

Option 5- My little brother. My last and best chance. He was a college football player, so pretty fit. If there was a roadblock or task that required nothing but a strong back, he'd grab that one. He is able to think pretty quickly on his feet, too. (Read: not above being shady) He may have even perfected and is the literal 'King of the Cheap Shot'. So that would come in handy. Plus, he's my brother, so I can be mean to him all I want. Then he can smack me in the back of the head and tell me I am being a butthole....and at the end of the day, we're good. WIN!

A Perfect Plan, right? Yeah- Then he went and got married a few years ago-knocked his wife up and is now officially an infant baby daddy and - off the roster. And there went all of my viable hopes and dreams for ever winning the Amazing Race. Dammit. Fail.

FINAL OPTION- So Jeff is now my only hope. If by the grace of God, Jeff can't do the Race with Jordan....I'd totally do it with him. (HEEEY- double entendre-totally intended)

*UPDATE---Usually, they have one 'special' team...whether it's the angry deaf kid, the midget, the really old guy, or a chick with one leg. The only way Jeff and I wouldn't be the PERFECT Amazing Race couple, is if they tried to get slick and have another midget on this season. It would be like my kryptonite. I would be so awkwardly fascinated that I wouldn't know what to do. Do you let the midget win....cause, "Dude, you out ran a midget. Are you proud of yourself?" or "Dude, the midget out ran you. How do you live with yourself?" I would be trapped by my own anxieties and would eventually implode. So there you have it. Do with it what you will.


Jennifer said...

I think I am a little offended!!!
Just kidding, I know I would suck on that show. I am a weak weak weak traveler.

Jillian said...

HAHAHA I was just kidding. I don't think we would fight now....before maybe..but we are so mature now. Definitely no more fighting.

It is mostly the bands that got you disqualified. :) And the fact that you have offspring to tend to. They would totally slow us down. We'd have to carry B everywhere we went.

Kelsi {John, Jake, Georgia} said...

We love that show around here! We've even talked about applying ourselves... until I got myself knocked up for the third time. Too many babies to keep us running off & chasing our Race dreams.

and congrats to jen. :)

Tera said...

You had me laughing out loud. JP wanted to run the amazing race. I looked it up for him (even though I would have loved to go with him and I think we would be awesome together, one of us would have to take care of our spawns). But when I looked up how long he would have to be gone, I put the kabosh (sp?) on that. I can't have my husband gone for a month. But, it would be fun to go!

Sparklebot said...

I have never seen the amazing race, but I have often wondered, myself, about whether I could bring home the title on various game shows, with the right partners. I used to watch Family Feud as a kid and KNOW I could win if I could just keep my mom OFF my team.

Rachael said...

My sister and husband were finalist one season but then stupid Rob and Amber took their spot (supposedly). They refuse to watch the show now. Steve and I would be divorced at the end of the season plus we wouldn't be able to handle the stress! But I do love watching it!

Maursupial said...

Oh Jill,

We've had this conversation before, and you're right. I can just imagine you and I doing that show. We'd be "The Chubby English Teachers". I don't think I could ever get out of bed again if that happened.

R. Siren said...

I don't watch the Amazing Race, but I think there's something we all could relate to in this post. I guess I should recruit my little brother for some adventures before he knocks up some undergrad.

Epically hilarious. WIN.

Jillian said...

Maury, We already are the chubby, Mormon English teachers. The only difference is that the world would know it....and we would be able to have a kick @$$ vacation for free AND possibly win a million bucks.

I'd get out of bed for that. Just so log as we made it clear that we are not 'partners'. I'd be good.