Saturday, March 8, 2008

You're not Sick. You're Single

Most of my (non)dating life can be summed up here.

So when this little gem made it my way a few days ago, I've gotta say, I had very mixed feelings.

Like Maury said, it boils down to the age old debate of, "Do I settle and get married, or wait for Prince Charming and die alone?"I don't fancy myself overly optimistic, but this still made me feel like I had been kicked in the stomach. I read with an eye for satire, but I think that she was serious. And that really scares me.

I understand the premise of her thoughts, many people are destined to be single due to their misconceptions about what 'love' is and what marriage is supposed to be. Beyond that, I have decided that chick is a FREAKING LOON.

Being one who has an idea about the Plan, I REFUSE to believe that this lady is onto anything that even remotely resembles the right track. She has some good points. Love isn't always going to be fireworks, wine and roses. False expectations lead many to unhappiness, but I really don't think that she has struck the right balance between mature compromise and settling for whatever is available. That being said, I have a really hard time believing that the reason I am single is because I have set the bar TOO high.

Another idea that I jump on board whole-heartedly with is how very obnoxious it is to be told how lucky I am to be single. Yeah, yeah,I know that I have had many opportunities for travel and education that would have never come about had I been married. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for each and every one of them, but give it a rest!

For 1) that's kind of patronizing and 2) it's crap. Do you really think that my vacation pictures are, in any way, a fair trade for a family and posterity? Super cool vacations only keep you warm at night for so long. (And really- if your husbands are so terrible, leave them....send them along my way. Especially if they're hot!)

I don't think that the picture is as bleak as she has painted it. I don't think that it is nearly as black and white as she would have us believe. If I ever plan on sleeping again, I am going to have to tell myself that there are many shades of grey being ignored here. If that doesn't work, I'll just pop another ambien or two.

Anyhow-If this is what kicks her skirt up, then good for her. I guess. I just wonder how she plans on selling her package to perspective suitors.

"Hey, Mr. Just Barely Good Enough, I've got nothing better goin' on. Why not just get married so we each have someone legally bound to keep our household pets from feasting on our rotting flesh?"

Who on earth would sign on for that? Would you marry someone if you knew you were just their Mr/Miss Good Enough?

Sell your crazy elsewhere. I'm all stocked up here.


brent said...

Wow. That lady totally dissected the whole settling issue with surgical precision. Not satirical. Brutally, painfully honest.

You're right, some of what she says has merit, but it's SO depressing to think that people have to marry for convenience instead of for fulfillment. I refuse to accept that premise, too!

brent said...

I forgot to answer your question.

I DID marry Ms. Good Enough. My ex wasn't my "ideal" partner, but we had great chemistry and so much in common, that just being around her and doing things together with her was good enough for me.

But that still didn't work now what? :)

Mona said...

Amen. I have been telling myself lately that I would rather be single than settling for someone or existing in an unhappy marriage. However, I would definitely be happily married than single. If I just wanted to be married, I'm sure I could have made that happen long ago.

Maursupial said...

Yeah, now that I've gotten past the hair twisting and rocking back and forth in the corner, I would have to say that I agree with you. It's not a choice between a or b, it's more complex than that.

Jillian said...

Brent, I have a few follow up questions. Feel free to tell me to shove it if you don't want to answer.

Did you realize that she was Ms. Good Enough before you got married, or is this that a post marriage classification?

And-do you think that she knew you only thought of her as simply good enough? Because that is the thing that I can't wrap my mind around. How does the person who is the 'barely good enough' member of the relationship talk themself into the marriage?

"I know that he doesn't like me that much, but maybe I will grow in him"

I've been in a relationship or two where I knew that I was diggin dude more than he was diggin me, and that is SUCH an unhealthy way to live. Messes with your head!

Melissa said...

I think she has some valid points regarding the whole prince charming myth: there is no Mr./Ms. Perfect and if you wait for him, you may miss out on someone great. I specifically thought of a couple of friends who wouldn't date certain guys because they didn't have the right jobs or didn't fit the mold. But then again, maybe my priorities are different and I can't decide for someone else what is or is not an important quality in a mate. There are certain characteristics I would absolutely not tolerate but another friend would happily marry.

The word "settle" is unnerving and joyless. I think it comes down to being self-assured (without being self-important) and knowing what you want in life. Priorities and self-esteem.

Like Brent, I settled in my first marriage but I think my ex did, too. And yeah, based on some things he said to me as we were splitting up, I think he knew I settled. He had no self-esteem and apparently mine was too low, also.

Okay, I'm done for now. This was a rather lengthy comment! Sorry!