Keep Your Hands off my Bieber

I can't believe that he had nothing to say about Mr Schuster rapping to Bust a Move. I do love me some Glee, but this is freaking hilarious.

Northern Expansion

I have a bunch of new seniors in my homeroom class this year. The students that I have been with, for the past three + years, know that the flag salute battle is not one they are going to win. I am about as patriotic as they come. I look great in blue, Independence Day is without a doubt my favorite holiday, fireworks set to Neal Diamond songs make me tear up, I see no other reason for apples than pie, and when baseball season is over...a little piece of my heart goes into hibernation. Some of these new students haven't quite gotten the idea that I don't give a tiny rats ass if they don't want to do the flag salute. (They are just being lazy. If they actually had a valid reason or argument, it would be different....but lazy just plain annoys the crap out of me.) Thus, they get some variation of the, "I don't give a crap what you think about it. We are in America…show some respect/gratitude for the fact that you even have the option to piss away the free education and opportunities that are right here in front of you. Get your lazy can up out of your chair and be glad that I don't make you all freaking sing, The Star Spangled Banner." talk.

Anyhow- that struggle prompted a conversation which included phrases the likes of, "In my country…" "This used to be Mexico, anyway." and my personal favorite was this,

Expansionist 1- "Man, you know what country we should have taken by now?"

Expansionist 2- "huuuuuh?"

Expansionist 1-"Alaska, man. We should have taken that a long time ago."

Expansionist 2-"Are you serious right now?"

Expansionist 1- "Yeah man, it's just sitting there."

Expansionist 2- "Hmmmm. Maybe we can swing by and grab Hawaii right after we take Alaska."

Expansionist 1- "Whatever man….I meant, what's that place right above us? Canada? That's like right above us, no?"

Expansionist 2 and I- Laugh, mock and poke fun for the rest of the period.

Moral of the story: Look out Alaska, we're coming for you....and maybe tell Hawaii not to get too comfortable. They're next.

Finally Fall!

I realize that for most people, Autumn is a special time of year. The air turns crisp and cool, sweaters and scarves are brought back out from their summer hiding places, kids go back to school, and you can practically see Mother Nature get back to work with her magical paint brush as she changes the leaves from green, to red, yellow and gold.

However, for me, Fall holds no such appeal. You see, this is where I live...

The Great Mojave...try not to be jealous.

As I am sure you can imagine, there isn't a real big change from one season to the next. A joshua tree is a joshua tree, is a joshua tree. Winter, summer, spring or fall. Meh- It's all the same. We really have only three seasons. Hot, cold, and windy. The leaves don't change color here; they simply get blown off the tree while still green. Sure, I love a great boob sweater as much as the next girl. And with bulky clothes comes the relaxation of no longer having to suck it in all the time, as is the case during the hotter, more revealing, cruel months of summer. But other than that, fall just means back to work, (where I now get to deal with the children that you parents are so happy to finally be rid of for the better part of the day) and having to find socks that match.



However, there are two reasons why I still hold on to the notion that fall is the best of all seasons. College football (which we will address at a future point in time), and the return of first-run TV. Yes, people....it's the little things. I am not ashamed (well, not very ashamed) that this week has been awesome simply because I have been able to curl up on the couch, or in bed, with a blanket and welcome back some old friends...

Seriously, could Modern Family be any funnier?  You are officially my new The Office.

and even meet some new ones (who I certainly will not be kicking out of bed anytime soon). I'm actually working on a plan that includes moving to Hawaii just to stir up some mischief on the off chance that this will be my arresting officer.

Brava, Mother Nature and your magical paint brush. Brava!

My Place of Eternal Dibs

I can't explain how badly I wish I was here. 

Sorry Sexy Strippers

First I was hustled into this.....

because I am not that smart.

The other day, I couldn't sleep.  As a result, I foolishly bought this...

and I have yet to try them.

This infomercial is on right now, but sorry ladies, I don't think I'll  be purchasing this one.



Fat white girl, hip-hop is where I draw the line. I can shake it like a white girl, but not stripper style......not for now anyway.

Dear Jon

My friend Kelly just sent me this...and I think I can now die a happy woman. There really are no words or explanation necessary. Just, thank you. Thank you Kelly. Thank you Jon. Thank you Dear Sweet Jeeebus for such a wonderful looking man. Thank you.......and good night.

I don't think I'm asking for too much, just someone similar to him would be fine. 

I need this....and I need this NOW

So one of my smarty pants friends, you know, the one that is all doctoral and everything......the one that I went to Puerto Rico with? Well she came to California for Labor Day weekend but sadly our schedules didn't match up, and I didn't get to see her. Upon looking at the the blog of things that she accomplished this weekend, I am drastically regretting not rearranging my schedule. I clicked on the link to The Donut Man and found this

Dear Sweet Mother of All That is Good and Holy in this World, I don't even know what this is, but I am fairly CERTAIN that I need to have more than one of these before the weeks end....and those stupid hip-hop abs videos show up.

Bubble Boy

I don't know how many of you know my younger brother, but he fancies himself a bit of a former high school/college athlete rockstar. At his current job, as the manager of a fairly well known insurance company, he and his male coworkers consistantly get into arguments as to who's 'still got it' and who...doesn't. These arguments usually end up with bold and sweeping statements that go something like, "Dude- I could beat you running backwards, in my work shoes, and my jacket on......I'm gunna give you a two parking space head start...and I'm not even going to loosen my tie"

In his defense, he does always win these feats of physical prowess, (which does nothing for developing his sense of humility, but it does make him pretty funny to be around) but keep in mind he is 28 racing against 45+ year old El Salvadorian men who are 5ft nuthin and the last time they ran from anything was.......well......a really long time ago.

So-Enter the Los Angeles County Fair Bubble Thing, a.k.a The Great Equalizer. Before this, there was much talk about, "These people are retarded* if they would just post out and get both hands and feet on the ball you could just balance it then run easily."

And with that....I give you this.


*Yes, I know retarded is an offensive word to some.....but shoving a lump of coal up your behind, waiting two weeks and getting a diamond is not a talent, it's a symptom.  It means you need to lighten up.
**I don't know if it's funnier with or without sound, but if you listen carefully, you can even hear his 9 month old baby laughing at him.

B@$tards Got Me Again

You know all those sayings,

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

"There's a sucker born every minute"

"A fool and her money are soon parted"

"Kill two birds with one stone."

Well, they all apply to me right now.....except for maybe that last one, I just felt like I needed one more cliche and that was the only one that came to mind, but that's neither here nor there. Actually, there may be death involved, but certainly not the death of any aviary type animal. The death will most likely be my very own....and not by stone, but by DVD.

Remember this, this,  that, maybe this, or the fact that I have permanently switched to dresses and clothes that have absolutely NO buttons or zippers....cause I like to breathe? But most importantly, and most recently, do you remember this?Well- to my credit I wasn't stupid enough to fill out THAT survey, cause I know that would have ended in a string of obnoxious emails and phone calls 'encouraging me to dig deeep' when really, I am quite, quite shallow. However, we went to the fair this weekend, and I was up late watching TV in the hotel when a certain infomercial came on. I got suckered into watching it, mostly just for the sake of reestablishing some shred of dignity. "Those girls are probably like 20 and freaking starving. I bet they have never known the joy that comes with a fried Oreo, or a cream cheese dog on a stick. There is no other way they would have six-packs like that! Bull crap, you lying (fill in the blank with whichever mean adjective you choose, but mine starts with bas- and ends in a synonym for poos). Plus,  they probably haven't menstruated in years being that they have like zero body fat and might be slightly androgynous....but for the boob jobs."

Then low and behold what did I find myself doing? Reaching for my wallet and phone and ORDERING THE DAMN VIDEOS RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT!

So no- I guess I won't be killing two birds with one stone....I will be killing one fat white chick (with very little coordination and even less rhythm)  with a series of  "Hip-Hop" workout videos.

I am proof positive that Darwin was wrong. Not only the strong survive, the stupid have a pretty good fighting chance too.

*but in my defense, I only had to pay $40 bucks for them....and no shipping, since I bought them before to infomercial was over. I may be a sucker, but I'm no dummy. So suck on that bad economy!

Classroom Management...King Style

I have found a new and brilliant way to keep my students (eleventh graders) from sleeping in class. I'll let you guess what this new tactic might be.....

Granted, I have absolutely NO intention of actually following through on this threat and touching any of them.....with a spitty finger or otherwise. However, I have already shown them that I am just crazy enough that I might actually do it. And that, my dear friends, is all the motivation they need.

For now.

I'm just worried about the day I actually have to follow through.  But no worries, I've got wipes and sanitizer ready.