Monday, March 1, 2010

I just became that crazy girl...again


I enjoy being honest. In person, I don't hide my feelings well. Normally, my face reveals much, if not all, of what I am thinking. I don't just wear my heart on my sleeve. I blow it up, tie it to a string and march around carrying it like a balloon. But here on the internet, I tend to shy away from actual matters of the heart...and gravitate more toward things that are ridiculous and/or amusing to me in some way. Because really- who wants to read all of that touchy feely crap anyway? I think blogs, by definition are meant to communicate information via sarcasm and whit...with an occasional ridiculous video.

That being said, there have been some things bouncing around my head lately that I have not been able to shake. I can't shake these thoughts because much, but certainly not all, of the drama 'round here, has been my doing. Don't you hate when you step back and see that you are making trouble, but can't stop if from proceeding? Ah well, if anything good has come from this, I have at least come to recognize where my super-sensitivity and overreactions come from. I'm Mormon, single, over 30, but smoking hot and hilarious, and the only one of my siblings who has yet to wed and reproduce. I am the veritable, Last Unicorn. If you are at all familiar with Mormon culture(not necessarily the same as Mormon doctrine) you can imagine the feelings of failure, doubt, loneliness, embarrassment, confusion, etc. that come along with my lot in life.

Being that all of my siblings have had children of there own, most of them live nearby, or visit quite frequently, issues of auntie/child interaction come up periodically. "Don't give that to the baby," "I'd rather you not_______," "No they can't stay with you for the summer." While most times, their parents have had reasonable requests, sometimes they have seemed mildly ridiculous to me, but whatever, they're not my children. I'm not the boss. I need to allow my siblings to raise their children as they choose. Even if I think it will be funny to see how the baby would like a ride on the dogs back.

The problem is that my reaction to these requests to not poke, prod, pose for funny/perhaps compromising photo op's and otherwise lovingly torture my nieces and nephews could be described in Fat man/Little boy, Chernobyl type proportions. Granted, I may have a tendency to overreact occasionally. However, every time, these little mini dramas have cut me pretty much to the bone. Totally shaken me. Leveled me to a sniveling, blubbering, mess who mutters things like, "How does no one understand and/or care about how this is all making ME feel. I am not a child. I love these kids and do not need to be chastised!" (Yes- I recognize the selfishness in that sentence.)

Earlier today, I had a mild mini-revelation as to why I get so upset by my family questioning how well I am able to care for their children. My patriarchal blessing talks about being a mother and a grandmother to a multitude of children. However...as can be gleaned from the aforementioned description of my relationship status...that blessing doesn't appear to be coming to fruition any time soon. The next step my mind takes is to ask the question, why? Knowing full well that the last time I kissed anything, it was a long, hard, wet, goodbye kiss to that good for nothing frienemy, Logic. The only thing I can come up with is that I must have screwed up somewhere along the way. As a result, Heavenly Father must have lost faith in my ability to care and raise happy and healthy family of my own. Thus....I am doomed to wander the planet alone. Like the Incredible Hulk, but more pudgy and white than musclebound and green. Point being...when my siblings hover and question how I treat their children, it reaffirms the fear (illogical though it may be) that Heavenly Father, and apparently my family has lost faith in me as well.

And that makes me sad...which has a tendency to lead to tears....and full scale emotional breakdowns. It's just how I work and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

9 comments:

Tricia B. said...

Jill!!!!!!! WTH?! This post is so not like you! Where's the girl who could care less what others think? I think it's awesome that you interact with your nieces/nephews at all! My husbands siblings could care less if Lincoln were alive. They never pay him ANY attention, that gets on my nerves! Anywho, I can't tell you why you're still single (maybe so I can have material for my Deseret Book fictional story on being single 30-something and Mormon, I'm serious about this) BUT I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT'S BECAUSE HEAVENLY FATHER HAS LOST FAITH IN YOU! SNAP OUT OF IT! I hope that wasn't too harsh, I didn't mean it to be. Stiff upper lip my girl, stiff upper lip.

Mona said...

This is when we get on the first plane to somewhere tropical.

Maursupial said...

Jill,

I understand how you feel. I also want you to know that I think it's awesome that you broke free of the "witty and spunky single gal blogger mode" for a minute (as a fellow wassgb, I get your fear.) I'm not going to tell you to snap out of it, because,frankly, you have the right to feel sucky from time to time. I know that although it may not seem like it, I really don't think this Heavenly Father's way of telling you you suck. I struggle with the same thing, and while The Man Upstairs and I haven't come to any agreement about why I'm in the same sad boat, I do know that He loves me. Jill, you do have the right to feel misunderstood. Our married and child bearing family members DON'T understand how we feel. How could they, any more than we understand how they feel? Just know that I love you, and I understand.

JillandMauricio said...

You know-I have had the same feeling with this job thing. You probably don't know and don't say anything, because my mother doesn't know either, but Mauricio lost his job. I have been asking Heavenly Father-why would he do this to us-especially why I am pregnant. I just have to remember he loves me and he would NEVER punish me. I just still cannot figure why we came all the way out here-not near family to have this happen!?!?! I pray and pray. Hopefully something comes up-he knows what is best and when we are ready!!

Jillian said...

Tricia- I know. I usually don't care too much about what other people think, but sometimes it's hard to stay completely unfazed by....stuff.

Mona- Yes please.

Maury- Me love you long time. I know you get it, as do my other 30+ sisters in singledom.

Jill- That sucks! I'm sorry Mauricio is out of work. I won't spill the beans to Mother Harvey, but you know this is the internet, right?;)

Sparklebot said...

As a former 30 year old single mormon, let me first say that I know EXACTLY how you feel. With precision. It sucks. And, while I don't know your dating past, I know that you didn't do anything wrong. Because, being yourself isn't wrong. My patriarchal blessing was DEAD WRONG, the second I got it. It wasn't about me at all.

We have to live our own lives, and do the things that make us joyful, even if those things are not highly looked upon by our families, friends, or church. And, I don't mean "sinning." I mean, maybe date a nonmember. If you want children, and the mormon dating scene is letting you down, open yourself up to other choices. It's NOT giving up--it's giving yourself the opportunity to be happy.

Kelsi {John, Jake, Georgia} said...

jillian king. i love you. and i have been there. keep your chin up & put one foot in front of the other. good things await you. promise.

JillandMauricio said...

She doesn't understand blogs enough to ever read that-haha.

becky said...

I love you Jill. Sometimes family members are the ones capable of hurting us the most without even being aware they are doing it.