Fire! Fire! Fire!

So basically, the scariest thing imaginable happened to me today.

I caught my hair on fire.

I was in a coworkers office and I leaned over to plug in my laptop...I failed to notice that she had a candle burning. Stupid me, I totally stuck my hair right into the fire. It mostly just started to smolder* and was dripping with hot wax, but still. Freaked me right on out.

And keep in mind, this was mere moments before I was supposed to do a presentation to the faculty on a book that I have not ever read. Good times.


*I now find much more humor in the 'random question' that was asked of me for my profile.

Enough is Enough

This is my plea to the striking writers in Hollywood.

Dear Spoiled Brats,

Enough is enough already. Get back to work. Here's a newsflash....no one makes as much money as they think they deserve. Welcome to reality. Those in my profession have had a hand in the fact that you even learned to write in the first place. Should I be expecting a kick back for that? I just want to know how far this gravy train is-a-rollin'.

I apologize for sounding insensitive, but get back into your BMW's, drive on down to the studio and get me some Pushing Daisies, The Office, Private Practice, Bones, Numbers, anything. ANYTHING. BUT. MORE. REALITY. TV. I don't care who the next Apprentice/Model/Top Chef/Chocolate Bunny Idol Girl or Biggest Loser will be.

Seriously, I live in the Antelope Valley, the land where actual entertainment comes to die. We have very little beyond 40 mph winds, beautiful desert sunsets and prime time television. The very least you could give us is quality evening entertainment.

Norma Raye went back to work....and so should you. Quit screwin' around. I'm getting bored and cranky. More importantly, I am worried that this will drag on long enough to completely squash my supermostfavoritest show Pushing Daisies. If you kill the Daisy, it's over between us. I may never forgive you for killing a relationship that had the promise of being so clever and beautiful. Don't even get me started on the fact that the last few episodes of Scrubs might be lost forever.

Bored Truly,
Ms King

The Year of NO

At the beginning of the year, (calendar year, not school year) I made a decision to stop doing the 9,672 different things that had me feeling like I was being pulled in um-teen different directions. To all new responsibilities....I say NO. It seemed like a pretty simple plan.

Already, The Year of NO, is not off to a very good start. System seems to have fallen apart. I attribute this to a number of things. None of the least of which is that it is selfish in it's inception, but whatever. It appears that I have just been hustled into doing a presentation to the faculty at my school on a book that I HAVE NOT READ.

And did I mention that said presentation is TOMORROW? Yeah- this should be good. Nothing could go wrong with this plan. Flawless. Fool proof. G-R-E-A-T.

Gordon B.

This upsets me way more than Heath.

I am so sad that President Hinckley has died...but at least he's with his wife. He has missed her.

My Grandpa's Done Hard Time

Well he really hasn't, but he was on probation for the majority of my formative years. The reason I bring it up is so that you will have a better understanding of the family that I grew up in. At one point my grandpa may have fashioned a blow torch out of a bbq gas tank and started a fire that burned a good portion of the field around our houses.

Once he heard the fire truck coming, he gave the blow torch to my cousins and me so that we could hide it down the street at my house. The authorities were none too pleased with grandpa's method for weed removal.

I have compiled a short list of things that I have learned growing up a King.

1)You never have to out run a bear, you just have to out run one person.
2)Pleading ignorance is nearly as good as being innocent. (see example above)
3)If ever you find yourself scuba diving with sharks nick your buddy and swim like hell.
4a)There is such a thing as a stupid question
4b)It is my responsibility to point it out
5)Never bring up who your father is at a football game (because your dad, the coach, is likely cursing at the child of the person sitting next to you)
6)The fine art of the sucker punch
7)Card/Board games were meant for cheating

So anytime there is a torrential downpour, I sit back and wait for the comedy. I live in Southern California where weather has a tendency to cripple. School gets cancelled, meetings rescheduled, etc. Basically, life comes to a screeching halt. Flooding, power outages, panic and mayhem in the streets.

I ran out to get lunch on Friday and on my way back to school I spotted two of my favorite students walking down the sidewalk. I am always amazed that people are not more aware of their surroundings as they walk. Especially in the rain.(Perhaps my constant vigilance is a familial trait as well. It's really hard to tell. Seems akin to the chicken-egg quandary) They were just happily ditching school....without a care in the world. Just as I was busy thinking that these boys were royal pains and making a mental note to get them in trouble, a big old truck drove past them, hit the puddle that lined the street, and absolutely doused them with a wall of water. It was probably the high point of my week. I'm a bad person for it, I understand that, but I laughed for the rest of the day. I'm a King, we live for this sort of thing, it's who we are.

Hugs Not Drugs

It's a good thing that the fire alarm was going off inexplicably during 5th period, that way the kids didn't notice my audible gasp when I read that Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment.

Eventhough I do still hold a bit of a grudge over his talking trash about The Morms, a-la Brokeback Mountain, I still wonder what could have been. We could have been so beautiful. I could have even gotten used to having a step-daughter named Matilda.

There is, however, one thing I don't get. They say that it was either an accidental OD, or suicide and that he was found naked by his housekeeper. I, admittedly, have very little experience with either activity....but are those typically things that one would do whilst naked? I find this all very strange. I feel bad for his little girl.

Bottoms Up OC

I don't know exactlly when Orange County became the OC. Nor do I understand why people seem to think that OC is such a big deal. However, I do appreciate the fact that on Fox News they said that the county would be spear-heading the push toward purifying reclaimed water and pumping it to the tap.

Hahahahahah drink up OC.

In Review

Drinkers....really, how do you do it? My brother, sister-in-law, Jeanie and I went to the Melting Pot Friday night. We were super excited because we had never been there before. I had every intention of eating my weight in fondue-y goodness, but that never really happened.

Well- I did eat my fair share, but the goodness factor is up for debate, for a number of reasons. The cheese was kind of a wreck because the taste of the alcohol in it made me want to gag! So, so, so very gross. I am no scientist, but the alcohol was the only thing in the mix that I don't regularly consume...and therefore, the culprit of the nasty outcome. I am, for sure, sticking with apple juice and broth when I make fondue.

The meat course was kind of suspect because they told you that the meat was to be cooked about a minute and a half-two minutes. None of us had watches, so we had to estimate. That really freaked me out. I don't enjoy playing salmonella roulette.

The dessert on the other hand.....that was DAMN good. While there were various and sundry jokes about the name, we did get The Flaming Turtle. Oh my land- it was insanely good.



We also went down to San Diego to see my grandparents. My grandpa has a 65 Chevy truck that he gave to my little brother. We have affectionately named it the Green Bean, because at some point, the truck was painted a nice shade of sea foam green. I really don't understand boys and their desire to restore old cars. I can't even begin to list all of the idiosyncrasies of the old truck, but rest assured that it is hilarious to see my dad and brother driving it. The entire trip home I was fighting the urge to call and hum the theme to Sanford and Son. Fine- once or twice I didn't completely resist the urge to do it, but it was all in good fun.

Oh and the truck has a gigantic spot light mounted right outside the drivers side window. Pretty sure it's illegal to use while driving, but it's a good time.

And I nearly got kicked out of a pet store because I asked if the dogs ever got to play or go for walks. Apparently, that pissed the worker girl off because I got several rather snippy responses. She swears that they are 'very well loved.' Poor little guys.

Santa's Dodger Blue

I've decided that this is my favorite Santa picture of all time.

My Insensitivity Knows No Bounds

As I was driving home the other day, I noticed something that I found mildly disturbing. Three of the four cars ahead of me at a red light had window stickers with some variation of, "In memory of ___" followed by the birth and death dates of a loved one.

I started to wonder if my disdain for said window stickers is insensitive, but I don't think so. They are tacky and they seem to be EVERYWHERE. My grandma passed a few months ago, and while I could not love her more, I don't forsee any window stickers in her honor....even though she was a smokin' hot babe.

I don't think she would like that anyway. And for the record, if I croak, (I don't mean to be morbid....I don't plan on it anytime soon, but just so ya know) you don't have to feel obligated to make me a window sticker. A shrinky-dink however, that'd be cool. Make me into a shrinky-dink while you are having an eggroll and diet coke and consider my memory sufficiently honored.

Anyhow-speaking of old family pictures....this is my mom.

And this super fox....
That's me. Yeah- I got it from my momma. It really blows my mind how similar we looked as kids. Pretty sure I still make that face on a regular basis. Man, I loved that dress.

Consider Yourself Warned

As promised...the Christmas recap. I've never been good at being brief. Be prepared. (I'll explain the blinding blur of red in a minute.) My mom, dad and I all flew up to the Great Pacific Northwest for Christmas this year. Even though it resulted in the above picture, it was so much fun to be able to hang out with my sister and her crazy kids for the holidays, but oh my goodness, getting there was a freaking joke. It's a good thing Betty-Lou had us at the airport 3 hours early!


To begin with, for one of my finals at CSUN we had to complete the application for the National Board Teacher Certification. Part of that super-fun process was turning in a copy of your drivers licence along with the packet. Needless to say- for a good two weeks, I have been driving around sans licence and didn't notice until Brenda, the dear old ticket agent, asked for it. As it turns out, a social security card, gym membership and Costco card will get you on a plane.

Then, Brenda informed us that even though I made a reservation, and called to confirm 4 times, the dog could not be checked as cargo on my flight. Apparently, we were on an Express Jet that seated less than 50 people. The cargo hold is not pressurized or heated. If the dog didn't explode, he would freeze to death. Thanks for that pretty picture, Brenda. She was as nice as she could be, but I nearly lost it when her 'go to' explanation for how this happened was that I must have gotten the "dumb ticket agent" when I called.....all four times.

There were no other flights available and we live nearly 2 hours from the airport, so taking the dog to one of my brothers wasn't really an option. Freddy is a miniature schnauzer...so when Seniorita Super-Helpful asked if he would fit in a carry on I believe my response was something along the lines of, "At this point, he will." Maybe there was an explitive and tears here...I cant' really recall.

Moments after she sold me the bag for $80 and charged me the standard $75 fee to carry the dog on she said, "Oh wait- come to think of it, I don't even think pets are allowed in the cabin of the express jets at all." Three phone calls, a supervisor and a mysterious 30 minute disappearance later, she said that they would make an exception and let me carry the dog on. Nice of them, huh? We made it to the gate just in time to get the dog in the bag and get on the plane. My dad folded the dog, nearly in half, and got his body in the bag. I shook him down and shoved his head in while my mom zipped it shut. He took it like a champ.

There we sat for a good 45 minutes before they made an announcement that our pilots have not yet boarded the plane. The flight they were on hadn't even arrived at the airport yet. Super! Once they finally did show up my dad noticed that the ground crew started tossing all of our bags off the plane. Apparently- someone put too much fuel in the tank and we were too heavy to take off. They told us that we either would have to remove passengers or bags. They chose to toss bags but no worries, we would be able to pick them up the next morning. They would 'be sure to get them on a flight later that day.'

Wondering what the dog was doing all this time? Drooling and farting. It was some of his best work. The WHOLE flight!! I was gagging. Most of the people around us were fairly good sports. However, the guy behind me did start coughing at one point and asked, "What in hell's name do you have in there?!?" Luckily, the flight attendant was a fairly disgruntled employee and let me unzip him so he/we weren't miserable the entire time. We eventually got to Portland...and sometime around noon the next day, so did our luggage.

They offered to switch my flight home without a fee. I could leave Portland, stop in Salt Lake, switch planes in Vegas and after about 18 hours of traveling, arrive in LAX. Ummm no. They refunded me a whopping $100 for my flight home and I had to spend $270 to fly home on Alaskan Airlines. It was basically my most expensive Christmas on record, but Alaskan gives you fresh cookies...so that ain't bad.

As for the ridiculous blur of red....that is my sister's idea of cute. I understand it on people under the age of 10. They are so dang cute in their matching PJ's. Adorable, really. I am just not sure if it keeps it's cute in adult sizes. King size, if you will. There is a near life size Mickey Mouse on my back, just FYI.

Brendan was really worried that Freddy would try to eat Charlie, their new cat. I am proud to report that Freddy was a perfect gentleman the entire time. Suck on that Caesar Milan!

And really- why do the people in my family think it is so funny to take pictures of me when I am sleeping? This is becoming a bit of a Christmas tradition....but really, Christmas with kids is exhausting! Bikes, Wii's, karaoke, that's a lot for a non-parent!

Viva Modern Transportation

Over the course of the past year, I felt it necessary to make some important decisions. (I can't really call them resolutions....because it wasn't really a 'year end' thing, but whatever.)

One of those decisions was to forgo a big summer trip in order to save money and buy a house. Even though we are only a few days into '08....I realize that it is time to revisit that decision. What have I come to, you might ask?

That plan sucks and I'm over it. I'm going to Peru.

I thought for a moment about hiking the trail to Machu Picchu. However, after talking with a friend who has done it, and realizing that I have little- to no- desire to walk 3 days in order to reach any destination....I have concluded that I will be taking a train to the ruins. Hell, I hear there is a helicopter that will take you there. I may very well do that. Seriously, there has got to be some reason why that civilization went extinct! I have to believe that accessibility to the outside world had to play a part.

Really, what it boils down to is the realization that I don't enjoy sleeping on the ground and the thought of having to crap in the jungle is wildly underwhelming, at best. Honestly--people die doing stupid stuff like that.

At the start of this new year, (a year in which I will turn 30!! Crap.) I am happy with the decisions and realizations that I have made about myself. I am who I am.....I can deal with that.

I'm going to Peru and I want a freakin' mint on my pillow.

Oy

So after three weeks of jack squat, it's back to work and regular life. Probably a good thing, I am exhausted with all of this laying around and uselessness. Bleh....I will work on an update but I don't have the dedication for that right now. Suffice it to say that flying at Christmas sucked. :)