In Case You Were Wondering Wednesday

1) My socks don't match today, but they are similar...so I feel okay about that.


2) I did not brush my hair this morning. What's worse, I didn't even think about brushing it. What's even worse, I have received no less than 10 compliments on how it looks. And what's even worse than that, on days where I actually DO adhere to standard grooming procedures...no one mentions a thing.



3) This little message on my board reminded me that I am doing a STELLAR job as an English teacher.



4) In spite of the fact that I come from a long line of coaches and jocks, I am not a farty, burpy, giggle and talk about pooping kind of gal. So- when I was in the bathroom at work today, and the poor lady in the stall next to me (who was obviously not feeling well) started talking to, "Dear Sweet Jesus," about how this particular bathroom visit was going, I was equal parts horrified/embarrassed/nervous about possibly exiting at the same time she was, thus requiring awkward conversation.



5) I REALLY hope this gets to come home today!

With Mogwai, Comes Much Responsibility

Dearly Beloved,
We are gathered here today...because there is a new baby! And he is cute! And tiny! And all swaddled tightly with care!

But that is actually all heresay passed via picture emails and text messages. We are in fact, not gathered. Not gathered one little bit. Which to the likes of me, (who is in possession of a womb that is equally likely to shrivel up and fall out as birth any actual children) sucks pretty hard. Those damn pigs and their germs went and ruined all of the vicarious baby delivery fun. "NO VISITORS," they say. Not even if you are kosher, or don a HAZMAT suit. "Not even in the hallway or the waiting room. But you might be able to look in the window if the room faces the parking lot." What kind of communist dictator nurse, whose heart is two sizes two small, thought that up?

And a follow up question, don't hospitals and law enforcement officials generally discourage people from crawling through the bushes to sneak-a-peek at those inside? Last I checked with Angelina, that sort of thing was frowned upon.

Now that I read that back, I am absolutely not sad to miss out on anything that might possibly involve sharp instruments and my lady parts...but I have a freaking box of chocolate cigars and congratulations ready...and no one to hand them to!

Official note:
I fully understand the hospitals desire to keep newborns safe from any germs or viruses. Real or hysterical. I understand that they have a huge responsibility....Don't get 'em wet. Don't feed 'em after midnight. Yeah, I know. I also realize that I run the risk of getting busted by my family for 'stealing the thunder' of official announcements, but what's a spinster aunt to do? There is a brand new baby less than 10 minutes from me and you expect me to twiddle my thumbs for two days until I can squeeze him? Are you kidding me? I'm dying here!

Pride of the Family

On his left cheek bone is inked the Pittsburgh Pirate’s ‘P’, “for the Pittsburgh, that’s my favorite team. Barry Bonds, when he first started.” The thing about the P is, however, that it’s backwards and looks more like a 9. DeShawn tried to explain, “No, if you’re standing where Dom’s standing and looking at me, it looks like a P.” Dominic McGuire was standing directly in front of him about 10 yards away, but it still looked like a 9. I think DeShawn meant to say, “when I look in the mirror it looks like a P.” The final new tat is a crack on the left side of Stevenson’s forehead. He said it’s because “I don’t crack. I feel like people always try to break me, but I don’t crack. So, I put that there. --Washington Times--

A prime example of what happens when a person has more money than brains.

Fear does not exist in this dojo

On my list of favorite, overly commercialized, sugary, non-holidays, meant to scare children and encourage begging, Halloween doesn't really rank that high. (And if you think that Halloween is the only holiday where that sort of behavior is appropriate, you've obviously never been a chubby, teenage girl on Valentine's day.) I am not really into scary movies or gore. I know that the call is coming from inside the house, yadda, yadda, yadda. I don't have any particular reason for my blazeh attitude. Most of the "meh" comes from the fact that, on Halloween, I am charged with corralling sugar fueled, scantily clad teenagers all the live long day. By the time trick or treating comes around, I would rather stab out my own eyes than get up off the couch every 30 seconds and fake that some strange kid, who I have no genetic link to whatsoever, is "The cutest little princess ever!" When in reality, it is the exact same princess that has magically appeared from CVS six times already.

Being that most people will use any excuse imaginable to whore things up in the wardrobe department, I've pretty much washed my hands of the hope for a creative and clever Halloween. Whatever. I can't really throw that stone from my glass house.

Apparently I was down with Slut-o-ween circa 1986. Really mom? A garter? On an 8 year old?

I don't think store bought costumes are fun, interesting, or worthy of praise. Most are fairly inane. I miss the days of dreaming up an awesome ensemble and then spending the entire month of October slaving away* to make the vision come true.

Exhibit A:

It's hard to pull your eyes away from all this awesome, right?

Enter October 30, 2009 - Day of Mischief. The day that students, young and old, dress up and act like fools regardless of the fact that All Hallows Eve is still 24 hours away.

Here is the play by play.

7:00 am- I arrived at work, waded through throngs of teenagers, and attempted to keep my eyes on the ground. I find it best not to make eye contact. That way I can plausibly avoid the fact that most of the girls are dressed as some slutty version of a Disney character that neither Walt, nor God, ever intended. The boys on the other hand, seem to be under the impression that eyeliner and a hoodie, or Scream masks are passable excuses for costuming.

7:04 am- One young man is standing perfectly still at the gates of the school. He is inside two cardboard boxes that are painted yellow and stacked on top of one another.

7:06 am- I am completely stumped as to what on Earth box boy might be and wonder what the hell kind of Cirque de Soleil, voo-doo, acrobatics will be required in order to fit into his tiny, immovable classroom desk.

7:07 am- I say a prayer in my heart, thank God that I don't recognize him and hopefully won't have to worry about his seating arrangements.

7:12 am- I realize that I don't have enough copies of the quiz for the day and frantically hustle up to the office to make more. En route, I notice another kid dressed in cardboard. This one, however, is painted blue and is just one big square.

7:13 am- "Hmmm. That's strange." And then I mentally chastize myself for passing judgement on kids who want to join in the Halloween fun but are obviously poor and can't afford a respectable slutty Snow White costume or mask.

7:17 am- In my head, I begin a rant about, "Kids these days. Pathetic! In my time, we were way more creative than a store bought stripper Cinderella! Halloween has lost all of it's charm..." In my heart, I secretly suspect that I was Cady Heron's zombie bride to Regina George's playmate.

7:25 am- The bell rings and I open the door to begin the chaos that is Halloween at a high school. Past me walks yet another kid dressed in a yellow, L shaped, cardboard box.

7:26 am- What in the hell is with all the freaking cardboard boxes?

10:05 am- I head across campus to grab a bag of chips. In the quad, a crowd of students part and like a vision from above, I realize the deal with all of the cardboard boxes. The three kids that I saw separately this morning are now walking together. Linked together....like this...

And with that, my faith in Halloween was restored. And I wished that I still had Wilma. That was a an awesome costume.

* Not so much ME slaving away, so much as watching my mother.

Cute or Blazing Hot?

It's hard to nail down all of the reasons why this was the best three minutes of my day....perhaps my entire week.

Crap No One Needs: Volume 1

I plan on purchasing this and using it whilst wearing my Snuggie.