Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My family is growing!

Okay-fine, I'm not knocked up. But there is an expansion in the works. It's not really a growth in the typical, "Go forth and replenish the Earth," kind of way. Seriously, who am I kidding? My sole companion is a fairly neurotic miniature schnauzer. It's more of an expansion along the lines of, "My big giant @ss is busting out of my jeans."

If my calculations are correct, someone may need to contact Maury Povitch on my behalf. I would just like to have a construction crew ready to cut through my bedroom wall and lift me out with a crane if that is what needs to be. I have recognized that there is a problem, but am not quite to the point where I am ready to do anything about it. I don't even have a real explanation for my wild and out of control eating habits as of late. Stress? Boredom? A particularly nasty combination of both?

But really, why are those who manage to procreate the only ones who get to take a pass when it comes to chowing down? Eating for two, my @ss. That's not fair. I am at the forefront of the campaign for becoming a veritable Mormon Nun and I never get an excuse to binge eat? Screw that. (Or don't, depending upon your religious convictions. Mine don't allow for such activities, whadayagunnado?)

Since Monday, I have eaten all of the following. Sometimes cloaked in shame, alone, in my car. Sometimes together with friends in various dining establishments. Either way, know that my jeans are so tight, they are digging into my waist* in a manner that is so painful, only true chubby girls understand. (And if you are a skinny girl, please don't email me to say, "You get it too." No- you don't. And the fact that you claim to is an insult to big girls world wide.)

A) This is where it started.

There is a donut shop next to the place where I take Freddy M.D. to get groomed. It is owned by the nicest couple. Back in the day when I cared that my jeans were getting tight and my arteries were hardening, I would see them at the gym all the time. The irony in that was not lost on me. Anyhow- they make the freaking best chocolate chip rolls.

2) Then, in celebration of stupid STAR testing, a few coworkers and I decided to stop and get dessert.This was quite possibly the best freaking cheesecake I have had in a long, long while. I woke up at 12:30 last night to finish eating it. Under the cover of darkness. Alone. In my kitchen. With no light except for the glow of the open refrigerator door. I am not proud.

iii. I have no explanation for this. I was hungry.

D) Then it got really hot. And I don't know if you have much experience with a room full of sophomores after they have come from P.E., but it really defies description.
I needed a slurpee, or twelve, to quell a heat/stink induced meltdown.

V. This last one was just my humble attempt to stave off rickets for another day. I typically don't eat things that grow, but I'm thirty...I really should have grown out of the Diet Coke and Dorito stage of my life, but I haven't. And I don't see it happening any time soon. This was an attempt at a baby step in the direction of eating like a grown up. In the spirit of full disclosure, I took about two bites, nearly gagged on the blue cheese and ordered the aforementioned cheesecake.

*Update- So after I peed today at lunch, I attempted to pull up my jeans and my poor, overworked belt-loop ripped clean off. I may have reached a new low.


Dave and Cindy, and then some... said...

ROFL!!!! I hate to admit, I have had the pants so tight it hurts my belly senerio many times. Looking back, I wonder why I didn't buy bigger pants. The answer (for me at least) is simple. Denial. Buying bigger pants would solidify the fact that my belly is growing when there is no one in it. So alas, for my @$$ (or stomach, as it is my problem), running is the answer. You should run with me!! Or go to the gym in the am with Jenn & me. Seriously, think about ti.

Rachael said...

So since I have gotten pregnant and Weight Watchers is off for 9 months it is sad...last month I gained 8 my 2nd trimester...The baby at this point weighs 3/4 of a pound...not 3-4 pounds...three fourths of a pound. I need to stop justifying the protein in the ice cream and go for the salads-which I do love but NEVER with BLEU CHEESE!! Nasty!

Tricia B. said...

Jen, I feel your pain! I've been slowly gaining weight since I graduated high school - 12 years ago! After I had Lincoln I gained LOTS of weight. I'm now doing Weight Watchers (which I've done before) and have lost 16 lbs in 4 weeks. When you're ready and I understand about having to GET THERE first, Weight Watchers is pretty awesome! Although, trying out for the Biggest Loser would be pretty cool too.

Melanie said...

Two things. First I usually think talking babies are just ridiculous and not funny in any way, but these commercials kill me.
Secondly, Wendy's Frostys. It's not good. I know I had a baby only a couple of months ago, but there is a good chance I will never fit into my pre-pregnancy pants ever again and I blame it almost completely on the Wendy's right down the street.
By the way, you my friend are hi-larious.

Maursupial said...

Jilly Jilly Jilly,

1. I DO understand. Sadly. I do.


3. I think that the whole "baby weight" thing is a racket. What about the "I'm in my 30's and might never get to have a baby" weight? Huh? Can I get an Amen?

Jillian said...

Cindy-As much as I love you and JenniFletch, I wouldn't get my hopes up for me running with you....or meeting you at the gym before work. I don't know what time her school starts but I can't hardly get my butt to work by 7:15 in the first place.

Rachael and Tricia-Good on ya for your Weight Watchers success, but I am fairly certain that counting points is squarely to blame for my eating disorder/neurosis. Think, "Oh dear Heaven's, it's only 2pm and I only have 4 points left. I can't eat broccoli all night!" (and Tricia, I'm Jill:)

Melanie-Thank you for reminding me that I need to add an Oreo McFlurry to the list. Oh and don't fret, I had to go to not one, but TWO McDonald's to get it. The first was out of icecream.

Tricia B. said...

Jill I'm soooooo sorry! I totally blame that on having a kid. Your brain cells get sucked away, I'm dead serious. I know you're Jill I have no idea why I put Jen. Sorry again. Counting points isn't always very fun, but a good way to keep track of what you're eating.

Mona said...

I'm glad to see that we are having similiar diets this week.

Megan Rowerdink said... and I have eaten nearly the same thing this week...well, I didn't have cheesecake, but substitute that with some Samoas Dryer's Ice Cream! Ummm...I think we have an excuse...though I am not sure what it is...I feel better knowing there is an excuse out there for us!

Daisy Paige said...

You are too damn funny. I can't relate because I really do enjoy eating salads, but I can sure appreciate the way you write!