Today I conducted a very serious experiment and came to a life altering conclusion.
My ears are lopsided.
I bought a pair of earrings while on a trip in Chiang Mai. The first time I wore them was on the ridiculously long flight back from Thailand to Los Angeles, via Hong Kong. I noticed that one was dangling a little lower and brushing my collar bone occasionally, while the other was not. Granted, this would have driven me crazy on a normal day, but after two weeks of traveling, being blessed with the shoulders of a lineman and being squeezed into the center seat of an airplane for a 14 hour flight with possibly some of the most annoying people on the planet, and absentmindedly running out of Ambien a day before we ran out of trip, the earring issue put me right over the edge. I was flirting with some seriously suicidal tendencies.
I took them off, tossed them in my carry on, cursed under my breath and attempted forget about it...until today. I put them on this morning and immediately remembered my humiliating deformity. In the manner of scientific inquiry, I tried on every other pair of earrings that I own in order to determine if it was my ears that were uneven or the earrings. I am very sad to report that it is, in fact, my ears.
I can't even begin to tell you how, in just a matter of hours, this has dramatically changed my life. IT'S. ALL. I. CAN. THINK. ABOUT. The earrings are like flaming hot daggers stabbing into my collarbones with every lopsided step I take. I have a debilitating crick in my neck from trying to hold my head to the side in a futile attempt to even out my ears. And I am fairly certain that each and every one of my students left my classroom giggling and snickering about it.
I'm not sure what the appropriate road to take is from here. I'm thinking that surgery is the only answer....or perhaps therapy.