Thursday, May 1, 2008
Tick, Tick, Tock
This is the transcript from a conversation with my new doctor yesterday.
Him: So what brings you in today?
Me: Well, I have been really anemic for quite a while, and I just generally feel like crap, pretty sure there's something wrong with me, etc. So here I am. Fix me please.
Him: Are you sexually active?
Me: Actually, I'm wildly Mormon.
Him: Ahhh-that says a lot.
Me: I am aware of that.
Him: (looking back at his chart) Well you are 29. You are aware that the clock is really ticking for you, right?
Me: That's the rumbling on the street.
Him: Isn't marriage and kids like the pinnacle of success in the Mormon world? This doesn't happen very often, does it? What's the problem?
Me: I am a mystery and an enigma.
Him: Well, having talked to a lot of female patients I understand that finding Mr. Wonderful is not exactlly the easiest thing to do in the AV.
Me: I'm unclear. Are you propositioning me,throwing your hat in the ring? That I could understand. Anything else, and I'm confused as to where this is going.
Him: Anyhow- that's my two cents on that. It is what it is, just FYI I guess. Something to think about.
Me: Thank you for this new and exciting information about the ticking time bomb that is my uterus. I will take that under advisement. I have a puppy at home, would you like me to run and get him so that you can kick him too? Cause that somehow seems appropriate at this point in time.
True Confession: Some of my more snarky comments (like the one about kicking my puppy) were really just running around in my head and didn't actually get committed to words, but some of them did. Many responses were mixed between radio silence and awkward laughter.
That was honestly, the most bizarre doctors appointment I have ever had. Everything he said was with a smile and super pleasant. He seemed pretty genuine, really concerned, yet insulting and condescending at the same time. That really threw me off.
It wasn't until I got back to my car and sat for a moment that I realized the full weight of the wierdness. Really- in which year of med school do you learn to tell a single mormon woman, flirting with 30, that she needs to start thinking about a family?
So there you have it. Gentlemen, I believe this is a call to arms. For the sake of the Future!