Thursday, May 1, 2008

Tick, Tick, Tock

This is the transcript from a conversation with my new doctor yesterday.

Him: So what brings you in today?

Me: Well, I have been really anemic for quite a while, and I just generally feel like crap, pretty sure there's something wrong with me, etc. So here I am. Fix me please.

Him: Are you sexually active?

Me: Actually, I'm wildly Mormon.

Him: Ahhh-that says a lot.

Me: I am aware of that.

Him: (looking back at his chart) Well you are 29. You are aware that the clock is really ticking for you, right?

Me: That's the rumbling on the street.

Him: Isn't marriage and kids like the pinnacle of success in the Mormon world? This doesn't happen very often, does it? What's the problem?

Me: I am a mystery and an enigma.

Him: Well, having talked to a lot of female patients I understand that finding Mr. Wonderful is not exactlly the easiest thing to do in the AV.

Me: I'm unclear. Are you propositioning me,throwing your hat in the ring? That I could understand. Anything else, and I'm confused as to where this is going.

Him: Anyhow- that's my two cents on that. It is what it is, just FYI I guess. Something to think about.

Me: Thank you for this new and exciting information about the ticking time bomb that is my uterus. I will take that under advisement. I have a puppy at home, would you like me to run and get him so that you can kick him too? Cause that somehow seems appropriate at this point in time.

And scene.

True Confession: Some of my more snarky comments (like the one about kicking my puppy) were really just running around in my head and didn't actually get committed to words, but some of them did. Many responses were mixed between radio silence and awkward laughter.

That was honestly, the most bizarre doctors appointment I have ever had. Everything he said was with a smile and super pleasant. He seemed pretty genuine, really concerned, yet insulting and condescending at the same time. That really threw me off.

It wasn't until I got back to my car and sat for a moment that I realized the full weight of the wierdness. Really- in which year of med school do you learn to tell a single mormon woman, flirting with 30, that she needs to start thinking about a family?

So there you have it. Gentlemen, I believe this is a call to arms. For the sake of the Future!


Mona said...

Did you tell him to just give you some Iron and go to hell?

Man, just because a doctor can see you naked doesn't give him/her to give advice about personal matters.

Does he not realize that the ticking of the biological clock is a REAL thing?

I feel it every day.

ThisKalilLife said...

You couldn't have made up a funnier story ... not that makes you feel any better. But it could be an episode for a TV show or something.

mormon girl... said...

Along the lines of being talked to like a freak of nature because you're a "mormon girl" :
In high school I had an abusive boyfriend. After I managed to break it off, he got me to talk to him outside the gym during a basketball game and was becoming very angry and agitated that I wouldn't reconsider being his woman. A girl I didn't know well but who knew the signs of an abuser, got a teacher. Teacher came and took us both to the school offices. The teacher took the guy off to talk and sent me for a sitdown with an assistant football coach who was also a youth pastor at the local bornagain church. THe conversation went something like this:
him: you're mormon right?
me: yeah
him: you don't believe in premarital sex....
me: no...
him: well, you just gotta understand, it's hard for guys. I bet he's having a really hard time.

Him???? Him???? I'm left with a bruise on my arm that shows where every one of his fingers rested.
I have had a very large knife held at my throat and the tip run down my chest as I heard the words "now maybe I'll get what I want" and I gotta Understand.

wow... I guess you hit a nerve with me with that story. It's been a long time since I thought of that but your conversation w/your Dr. brought it all back.

you can delete this if you want. It's not funny. and your post is. I'm just feeling all this angst and had to get it out. lucky you.

Jillian said...

Mormon I know you? Or are just a top secret reader? Either way I'm glad you are reading. Just wondered.

erin said...

I get a VERY DIFFERENT kind of lecture from my doctor. But I do get a lecture, too, if that makes you feel any better?