My Place of Eternal Dibs

I can't explain how badly I wish I was here. 

Sorry Sexy Strippers

First I was hustled into this.....

because I am not that smart.

The other day, I couldn't sleep.  As a result, I foolishly bought this...

and I have yet to try them.

This infomercial is on right now, but sorry ladies, I don't think I'll  be purchasing this one.



Fat white girl, hip-hop is where I draw the line. I can shake it like a white girl, but not stripper style......not for now anyway.

Dear Jon

My friend Kelly just sent me this...and I think I can now die a happy woman. There really are no words or explanation necessary. Just, thank you. Thank you Kelly. Thank you Jon. Thank you Dear Sweet Jeeebus for such a wonderful looking man. Thank you.......and good night.

I don't think I'm asking for too much, just someone similar to him would be fine. 

I need this....and I need this NOW

So one of my smarty pants friends, you know, the one that is all doctoral and everything......the one that I went to Puerto Rico with? Well she came to California for Labor Day weekend but sadly our schedules didn't match up, and I didn't get to see her. Upon looking at the the blog of things that she accomplished this weekend, I am drastically regretting not rearranging my schedule. I clicked on the link to The Donut Man and found this

Dear Sweet Mother of All That is Good and Holy in this World, I don't even know what this is, but I am fairly CERTAIN that I need to have more than one of these before the weeks end....and those stupid hip-hop abs videos show up.

Bubble Boy

I don't know how many of you know my younger brother, but he fancies himself a bit of a former high school/college athlete rockstar. At his current job, as the manager of a fairly well known insurance company, he and his male coworkers consistantly get into arguments as to who's 'still got it' and who...doesn't. These arguments usually end up with bold and sweeping statements that go something like, "Dude- I could beat you running backwards, in my work shoes, and my jacket on......I'm gunna give you a two parking space head start...and I'm not even going to loosen my tie"

In his defense, he does always win these feats of physical prowess, (which does nothing for developing his sense of humility, but it does make him pretty funny to be around) but keep in mind he is 28 racing against 45+ year old El Salvadorian men who are 5ft nuthin and the last time they ran from anything was.......well......a really long time ago.

So-Enter the Los Angeles County Fair Bubble Thing, a.k.a The Great Equalizer. Before this, there was much talk about, "These people are retarded* if they would just post out and get both hands and feet on the ball you could just balance it then run easily."

And with that....I give you this.


*Yes, I know retarded is an offensive word to some.....but shoving a lump of coal up your behind, waiting two weeks and getting a diamond is not a talent, it's a symptom.  It means you need to lighten up.
**I don't know if it's funnier with or without sound, but if you listen carefully, you can even hear his 9 month old baby laughing at him.

B@$tards Got Me Again

You know all those sayings,

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

"There's a sucker born every minute"

"A fool and her money are soon parted"

"Kill two birds with one stone."

Well, they all apply to me right now.....except for maybe that last one, I just felt like I needed one more cliche and that was the only one that came to mind, but that's neither here nor there. Actually, there may be death involved, but certainly not the death of any aviary type animal. The death will most likely be my very own....and not by stone, but by DVD.

Remember this, this,  that, maybe this, or the fact that I have permanently switched to dresses and clothes that have absolutely NO buttons or zippers....cause I like to breathe? But most importantly, and most recently, do you remember this?Well- to my credit I wasn't stupid enough to fill out THAT survey, cause I know that would have ended in a string of obnoxious emails and phone calls 'encouraging me to dig deeep' when really, I am quite, quite shallow. However, we went to the fair this weekend, and I was up late watching TV in the hotel when a certain infomercial came on. I got suckered into watching it, mostly just for the sake of reestablishing some shred of dignity. "Those girls are probably like 20 and freaking starving. I bet they have never known the joy that comes with a fried Oreo, or a cream cheese dog on a stick. There is no other way they would have six-packs like that! Bull crap, you lying (fill in the blank with whichever mean adjective you choose, but mine starts with bas- and ends in a synonym for poos). Plus,  they probably haven't menstruated in years being that they have like zero body fat and might be slightly androgynous....but for the boob jobs."

Then low and behold what did I find myself doing? Reaching for my wallet and phone and ORDERING THE DAMN VIDEOS RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT!

So no- I guess I won't be killing two birds with one stone....I will be killing one fat white chick (with very little coordination and even less rhythm)  with a series of  "Hip-Hop" workout videos.

I am proof positive that Darwin was wrong. Not only the strong survive, the stupid have a pretty good fighting chance too.

*but in my defense, I only had to pay $40 bucks for them....and no shipping, since I bought them before to infomercial was over. I may be a sucker, but I'm no dummy. So suck on that bad economy!

Classroom Management...King Style

I have found a new and brilliant way to keep my students (eleventh graders) from sleeping in class. I'll let you guess what this new tactic might be.....

Granted, I have absolutely NO intention of actually following through on this threat and touching any of them.....with a spitty finger or otherwise. However, I have already shown them that I am just crazy enough that I might actually do it. And that, my dear friends, is all the motivation they need.

For now.

I'm just worried about the day I actually have to follow through.  But no worries, I've got wipes and sanitizer ready.