Keep Your Hands off my Bieber

I can't believe that he had nothing to say about Mr Schuster rapping to Bust a Move. I do love me some Glee, but this is freaking hilarious.

Bubble Boy

I don't know how many of you know my younger brother, but he fancies himself a bit of a former high school/college athlete rockstar. At his current job, as the manager of a fairly well known insurance company, he and his male coworkers consistantly get into arguments as to who's 'still got it' and who...doesn't. These arguments usually end up with bold and sweeping statements that go something like, "Dude- I could beat you running backwards, in my work shoes, and my jacket on......I'm gunna give you a two parking space head start...and I'm not even going to loosen my tie"

In his defense, he does always win these feats of physical prowess, (which does nothing for developing his sense of humility, but it does make him pretty funny to be around) but keep in mind he is 28 racing against 45+ year old El Salvadorian men who are 5ft nuthin and the last time they ran from anything was.......well......a really long time ago.

So-Enter the Los Angeles County Fair Bubble Thing, a.k.a The Great Equalizer. Before this, there was much talk about, "These people are retarded* if they would just post out and get both hands and feet on the ball you could just balance it then run easily."

And with that....I give you this.


*Yes, I know retarded is an offensive word to some.....but shoving a lump of coal up your behind, waiting two weeks and getting a diamond is not a talent, it's a symptom.  It means you need to lighten up.
**I don't know if it's funnier with or without sound, but if you listen carefully, you can even hear his 9 month old baby laughing at him.

B@$tards Got Me Again

You know all those sayings,

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

"There's a sucker born every minute"

"A fool and her money are soon parted"

"Kill two birds with one stone."

Well, they all apply to me right now.....except for maybe that last one, I just felt like I needed one more cliche and that was the only one that came to mind, but that's neither here nor there. Actually, there may be death involved, but certainly not the death of any aviary type animal. The death will most likely be my very own....and not by stone, but by DVD.

Remember this, this,  that, maybe this, or the fact that I have permanently switched to dresses and clothes that have absolutely NO buttons or zippers....cause I like to breathe? But most importantly, and most recently, do you remember this?Well- to my credit I wasn't stupid enough to fill out THAT survey, cause I know that would have ended in a string of obnoxious emails and phone calls 'encouraging me to dig deeep' when really, I am quite, quite shallow. However, we went to the fair this weekend, and I was up late watching TV in the hotel when a certain infomercial came on. I got suckered into watching it, mostly just for the sake of reestablishing some shred of dignity. "Those girls are probably like 20 and freaking starving. I bet they have never known the joy that comes with a fried Oreo, or a cream cheese dog on a stick. There is no other way they would have six-packs like that! Bull crap, you lying (fill in the blank with whichever mean adjective you choose, but mine starts with bas- and ends in a synonym for poos). Plus,  they probably haven't menstruated in years being that they have like zero body fat and might be slightly androgynous....but for the boob jobs."

Then low and behold what did I find myself doing? Reaching for my wallet and phone and ORDERING THE DAMN VIDEOS RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT!

So no- I guess I won't be killing two birds with one stone....I will be killing one fat white chick (with very little coordination and even less rhythm)  with a series of  "Hip-Hop" workout videos.

I am proof positive that Darwin was wrong. Not only the strong survive, the stupid have a pretty good fighting chance too.

*but in my defense, I only had to pay $40 bucks for them....and no shipping, since I bought them before to infomercial was over. I may be a sucker, but I'm no dummy. So suck on that bad economy!

FYI- Friday

1) The first week of school nearly killed me. Seriously. Nearly killed me dead. Not like I'm saying that I've never fallen asleep in my classroom before, but after school I rest my chin in my hands around 3:15pm and was sheepishly caught napping by the janitor around 4:00pm. No recollection of the 45 minutes in between.

2)Due to a friend who refuses to allow me to be the shut in that I would naturally become otherwise, I will be at the Hollywood Bowl tomorrow with him...

There will be swooning, weakened knees and possibly squealing.

3) I came across one of my favorite pictures of my niece...she is much older now, but this will probably always be my favorite picture of her.

4) I woke up this morning, absolutely wrapped like a mummy in my sheets. And I'm talkin' a tight mummy wrap. No idea how that happened. It was quite possibly the worst night of sleep that I have had in recent history.

and that leads us to the fact that ...

5) It's 7:46pm on a Friday night and I am totally contemplating going to bed. Oh- and my dog has shaved arm pits. I know that has nothing to do with me being pathetic and going to bed at 8pm on a Friday night, but who makes a list of 6?

Try not to be jealous of my rockstar lifestyle.

I'll Skip the Bath

Google has an uncanny ability to guess what I am thinking. I type in 'Dod' and it knows I am looking for the Dodger score. I type in 'Amer' and it somehow guesses that I am looking for American Literature lesson plans. I type in 'Tiger' and I am automatically directed to white page listings for high priced hookers. It's amazingly accurate. Scary almost.

But when it comes to French Bed and Breakfasts, they have totally misread my intentions. Turns out when looking for B&B's across the pond, Google is not nearly as accurate as it is here in the west . I was hoping for quaint, homey, safe, and travel friendly. They thought that I was looking for a racy, hot, gay bath house. Who knew they even had those? I thought that was strictly a Roman Empire thing. Truth be told, I'm not even sure what a bath house is. I mean....I can put some general ideas together, but huh? Really?

After my conservative Mormon, knee jerk reaction I thought,

"Hey- at least I don't have to worry about getting drugged, raped and killed in a foreign country!"

But then my more sensible side won over. I realized that there is no way my fragile self esteem would be able to handle spending a week in Paris and not getting hit on a single time. I love my dear sweet day gay, but when it comes down to it....I'm holding out for at least one semi-exciting 'Romantic Night in Paris' vacation story. I'm not above embellishing the details, but I'd at least like it to be based in some legit hetero-wooing.