B@$tards Got Me Again

You know all those sayings,

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

"There's a sucker born every minute"

"A fool and her money are soon parted"

"Kill two birds with one stone."

Well, they all apply to me right now.....except for maybe that last one, I just felt like I needed one more cliche and that was the only one that came to mind, but that's neither here nor there. Actually, there may be death involved, but certainly not the death of any aviary type animal. The death will most likely be my very own....and not by stone, but by DVD.

Remember this, this,  that, maybe this, or the fact that I have permanently switched to dresses and clothes that have absolutely NO buttons or zippers....cause I like to breathe? But most importantly, and most recently, do you remember this?Well- to my credit I wasn't stupid enough to fill out THAT survey, cause I know that would have ended in a string of obnoxious emails and phone calls 'encouraging me to dig deeep' when really, I am quite, quite shallow. However, we went to the fair this weekend, and I was up late watching TV in the hotel when a certain infomercial came on. I got suckered into watching it, mostly just for the sake of reestablishing some shred of dignity. "Those girls are probably like 20 and freaking starving. I bet they have never known the joy that comes with a fried Oreo, or a cream cheese dog on a stick. There is no other way they would have six-packs like that! Bull crap, you lying (fill in the blank with whichever mean adjective you choose, but mine starts with bas- and ends in a synonym for poos). Plus,  they probably haven't menstruated in years being that they have like zero body fat and might be slightly androgynous....but for the boob jobs."

Then low and behold what did I find myself doing? Reaching for my wallet and phone and ORDERING THE DAMN VIDEOS RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT!

So no- I guess I won't be killing two birds with one stone....I will be killing one fat white chick (with very little coordination and even less rhythm)  with a series of  "Hip-Hop" workout videos.

I am proof positive that Darwin was wrong. Not only the strong survive, the stupid have a pretty good fighting chance too.

*but in my defense, I only had to pay $40 bucks for them....and no shipping, since I bought them before to infomercial was over. I may be a sucker, but I'm no dummy. So suck on that bad economy!

Classroom Management...King Style

I have found a new and brilliant way to keep my students (eleventh graders) from sleeping in class. I'll let you guess what this new tactic might be.....

Granted, I have absolutely NO intention of actually following through on this threat and touching any of them.....with a spitty finger or otherwise. However, I have already shown them that I am just crazy enough that I might actually do it. And that, my dear friends, is all the motivation they need.

For now.

I'm just worried about the day I actually have to follow through.  But no worries, I've got wipes and sanitizer ready.

We want to hear what you think!

Remember that Insanity workout debacle....that was recommended to me by an anti-friend, which I sold to another unsuspecting friend, who made no bones about delivering it RIGHT back to me. Well- I made the mistake of giving them my email address and I got this email this morning.

 Beachbody’s constantly striving to help people achieve their goals and lead healthy, fulfilling lives . . . and we'd like your help!


You've been invited to take this short survey on online diet, fitness and motivation tools that could help you achieve your goals. The survey will only take a few minutes. Just click below to get started.



Thank you,

Your Friends at Beachbody®

They want the truth? I'm not sure they can handle the truth.

Bastards.

Well hello there....

Determination only takes you so far. 

Well hello there 2:30 am. You suck....and no matter how many reruns of Whale Wars you try to entertain me with, I still hate you.

Addiction is an Ugly Thing

Should I be ashamed that the lady in the Carl's Jr drive-thru recognizes my car in the morning and as I pull up she just immediately asks, "So you just want a large Diet Coke and an extra cup of ice, right?"

I rattle off a quick, "Yep, thank you," and pull forward. I'm usually too busy putting on my eyeliner and mascara to feel the full weight and shame of my addiction. That's just how we do mornings 'round here.

It Figures

Wasn't exactly what I pictured when I was a kid dreaming about the pot at the end of the rainbow.

Saturday: The Day of Weird.

I had exactly two conversations this Saturday with people that I am not related to. They went a little something like this.....

Number one was at Del Taco.  

Me: Hi, can I just get a large Diet Coke, please. 

Del Taco chick: Sure, you're total is $2.07. 

-I hand her a $20 dollar bill 

Del Taco chick: Do you need your change? 

-I make a confused face....trying to make sense of what she just asked me. I assume that she meant, "I'll get your change," or something along those lines.  But she just stared at me waiting for a response. 

Del Taco chick: So, do you need your change? 

Me: Ummmmm yeah-I'm gunna need my change. 

Number two was at the dog park.

I had a BYU t-shirt on and was pretty much just sitting on the park bench minding my own business. A man who was EASILY the same age as my dad sat down next to me and started making small talk. He was nice enough...and heaven knows I'm a conversational wizard when it comes to thoughtless yapping. We covered college rivalries, the US getting dealt with at the World Cup, and grounding your club in the bunker. Idle chit chat, not particularly flirty, just friendly, dog park chit-chat...or so I thought. So, dude gets up to leave and we exchange pleasantries. "Nice to meet you. Have a good weekend. Yadda-yadda-yadda" Then he shook my hand, took three steps toward the gate, turned around and gave me the Shooter McGavin finger gun and said,

"By the way, I'm single."

I realize that more often than not, I exaggerate stories for the sake of effect, but this is not one of those times. It does, however, raise a few questions in my mind.


A) Do people honestly use the finger gun in normal conversations and I've just missed it? I mean, I'm all for the ironic/exaggerated use of the Shooter occasionally. But really? Seriously? Huh.

B) Do I honestly look old enough to be in that dating range? If so....someone get me a good plastic surgeons number, STAT.

C) Was I supposed to run after him, spilling over with glee and shouting, "Ohhh Ohhhhh Ohhhhh me too! Let's do this!" (and by 'this,' I mean 'it') I totally dropped the ball if that was supposed to be my response. Instead, I half-heartedly returned the Shooter and stammered out a confused, "Ahhhh okay. Got it"

It wasn't even noon yet, but that was about when I decided I had met my quota for social interaction for the day. I'm done with weird.