I enjoy being honest. In person, I don't hide my feelings well. Normally, my face reveals much, if not all, of what I am thinking. I don't just wear my heart on my sleeve. I blow it up, tie it to a string and march around carrying it like a balloon. But here on the
internet, I tend to shy away from actual matters of the heart...and gravitate more toward things that are ridiculous and/or amusing to me in some way. Because really- who wants to read all of that touchy
feely crap anyway? I think blogs, by definition are meant to communicate information via sarcasm and whit...with an occasional ridiculous video.
That being said, there have been some things bouncing around my head lately that I have not been able to shake. I can't shake these thoughts because much, but certainly not all, of the drama 'round here, has been my doing. Don't you hate when you step back and see that you are making trouble, but can't stop if from proceeding? Ah well, if anything good has come from this, I have at least come to recognize where my super-sensitivity and overreactions come from. I'm Mormon, single, over 30,
but smoking hot and hilarious, and the only one of my siblings who has yet to wed and reproduce. I am the veritable, Last Unicorn. If you are at all familiar with Mormon culture(not necessarily the same as Mormon doctrine) you can imagine the feelings of failure, doubt, loneliness, embarrassment, confusion, etc. that come along with my lot in life.
Being that all of my siblings have had children of there own, most of them live nearby, or visit quite frequently, issues of auntie/child interaction come up periodically. "Don't give that to the baby," "I'd rather you not_______," "No they can't stay with you for the summer." While most times, their parents have had reasonable requests, sometimes they have seemed mildly ridiculous to me, but whatever, they're not my children. I'm not the boss. I need to allow my siblings to raise their children as they choose. Even if I think it will be funny to see how the baby would like a ride on the dogs back.
The problem is that my reaction to these requests to not poke, prod, pose for funny/perhaps compromising photo
op's and otherwise lovingly torture my nieces and nephews could be described in Fat man/Little boy, Chernobyl type proportions. Granted, I may have a tendency to overreact occasionally. However, every time, these little mini dramas have cut me pretty much to the bone. Totally shaken me. Leveled me to a sniveling, blubbering, mess who mutters things like, "How does no one understand and/or care about how this is all making ME feel. I am not a child. I love these kids and do not need to be chastised!" (Yes- I recognize the selfishness in that sentence.)
Earlier today, I had a mild mini-revelation as to why I get so upset by my family questioning how well I am able to care for their children. My
patriarchal blessing talks about being a mother and a grandmother to a multitude of children. However...as can be gleaned from the aforementioned description of my relationship status...that blessing doesn't appear to be coming to fruition any time soon. The next step my mind takes is to ask the question, why? Knowing full well that the last time I kissed anything, it was a long, hard, wet, goodbye kiss to that good for nothing
frienemy, Logic. The only thing I can come up with is that I must have screwed up somewhere along the way. As a result, Heavenly Father must have lost faith in my ability to care and raise happy and healthy family of my own. Thus....I am doomed to wander the planet alone. Like the Incredible Hulk, but more pudgy and white than musclebound and green. Point being...when my siblings hover and question how I treat their children, it reaffirms the fear (illogical though it may be) that Heavenly Father, and apparently my family has lost faith in me as well.
And that makes me sad...which has a tendency to lead to tears....and full scale emotional breakdowns. It's just how I work and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
